Something I thought I'd never have to say. But I did. I was sat in a pub when my fingers ran gently over my skin. A sharp jolt pricked my consciousness, dragging my mind from the external to the internal. I ran my fingertips over the area again.......
People always describe moments like this in a way that I have never been able to comprehend, until now.
I tried to hide the panic in my eyes, and fix a relaxed look on my face. Internally my body went cold. Numb even. All sound drained from my ears. People were talking but I have no idea what was going on. Then my body went to boiling hot. I started sweating. I could feel my heartbeat. Outwardly I was on autopilot, nodding away to people, with a fixed glazed look on my face. Behind the painted veil I couldn't move my face or the hot tears pricking my eyes would burst through the facade.
I waited a little while, afraid my company would realise something was wrong if I left early. As soon as I could I made my excuses and left. As soon as I was outside I started retching and the tears came. I probably looked like a regular drunk who couldn't hold their drink.
So what did I do?
I googled, I thought, I prodded, I slept very little. I came back to earth and rationalised.
I monitored the lump for a number of days to check for growth, changes and other symptoms. After little change I went and sat in the doctors waiting room and shook like a leaf, running hot and cold again- with the lovely accompaniment of a couple of screaming toddlers who seemed to like staring at me as a sort of sport. I'm not sure how one is supposed to react to this, but I wasn't in possession of many child entertaining grins today.
Thankfully I found out that it is the safe sort of lump- a cyst. It might go away on it's own, or I might need an operation if it starts changing- an op that could carry a number of permanent risks.
I have never experienced this before, but thankfully the lovely Kellie had written a post on her experiences http://big-fashionista.blogspot.com/2011/09/personal-post.html and I happened to read last week. This helped me so much and I urge you to read it. She had more of an ordeal than me, but reading this just helped me to know that I wasn't alone. That was what mattered to me. At least if other people have been though it, it makes it slightly less scary.
Kellie told me to write down my thoughts, so I have. Not to draw attention to myself, but to just pass on the same message. Should you be in the same situation, you're not alone.
Thanks for reading. Normal service will resume shortly. Take care.